Yes, women are prettier. Sure, you already knew that. But, after countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged:
· Maturity — Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.
· Handwriting — To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their i’s with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their p’s and g’s” It is a royal pain to read a note when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
· Relationships — First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship. He refers to it as “that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a regular basis.” When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots.” Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3 am on a Saturday night, he will call and say, “I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know there’s always a chance for us.” This is known as the drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
· Sex — Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
· Bathrooms — A man has at most six items in his bathroom – a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
· Groceries — A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
· Going out — When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup.
· Offspring — Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends, their favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
· Dressing up — A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
· Laundry — Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.
· Weddings — When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about “the ceremony.” Men talk about “the bachelor party.”
· Socks — Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
· Nicknames — If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
· Eating — A woman will generally admire an ornate desert for the artistic work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by grabbing the cherry in the center.
· Clothes — Men don’t discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is “just getting broken in” about the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on the shelf in their original packaging years before putting them to use, hoping they’ll become more comfortable with age. Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year. They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year’s fashions.
· Trust — The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling around behind her back. This same woman wouldn’t tell her best friend if she knew the best friends’ mate was having an affair. She’ll tell all her other friends, however. The average man won’t say anything if he knows that one of his friend’s mates is fooling around, and he’d rather not know if his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might her friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though, so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
· Driving — A typical man thinks he’s Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind the wheel of his car. The fact that it’s an 8-year-old Honda doesn’t keep him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who’s attempting to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has the right stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn’t he? Only his body shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and price their policies accordingly. A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and for another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to her makeup.
· Shoes — The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes, boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.