· “I swear that wasn’t a fart. It’s just the way this damn leather chair sounds whenever I sit down.”

· “I was looking at her because I was thinking how much prettier you are.”

· “It was terrible. The aliens, they… they said they wanted to observe human males at leisure and made me stay out until four a.m. drinking with the guys.”

· “I’d love to help out, but I can’t… I once killed a man in a laundry accident.”

· “But don’t you see? My underpants and sweaty socks are protecting the floor from scratches.”

· “About tonight… I was going to take you someplace nice, but I thought you’d dig the low-key vibe of Dunkin’ Donuts.”

· “I know this sounds crazy, but I’m allergic to your third cousin. I guess I have to skip her co-ed wedding shower.”

· “Oh, but that was just my ex calling to say how glad she is that I’ve found someone who makes me so happy.”